This morning I did not want to get out of bed. At all. But, I did, and I made myself look somewhat presentable [put clothes on; glasses; eyeliner] and headed downtown for my first class of the day. Along the drive, my heart started feeling like someone was sitting on it, and I was breathing weird and got all worked up. This has been happening often lately. I wish it would stop because it scares me so bad, especially when I’m driving, of all things.
So, I did what I always do; I called my mom. Just talking to her calms me down until the uncomfortable anxiety feelings pass, but she couldn’t stay on the phone this time (like she usually does) because she had to go into court [she's a court recorder]. So, after I got to the parking lot and found an open spot and parked, I turned to the second thing I always do when anxiety comes out of nowhere: my Ipod. I clicked on ‘shuffle’ a few times until it came to a song that just felt right, and then I got out of my car and started walking towards campus. The song I chose to listen to was ‘Save Your Heart’ by Mayday Parade. Great song; not so great choice. As I walked, I paid more attention to the lyrics than I did anything else, and they ‘opened wounds’ so to speak, or brought forth the feelings that I’ve forced to the very back of my mind & heart for the sake of my sanity & attempt to regain stability just to make it through this semester. The funny thing [well, it really isn't funny] is that I have still yet to get in the ‘school mode’ mindset because of everything else going on lately. My effort this semester has been undeniably minimal, and the fact that it’s winter does not help at all.
The lyrics to the song struck me in such a way, unlike any other time I’ve listened to it. Before I could realize, I was walking up the stairs in the wrong building. The class that I was going to meets in Building E on Tuesdays and Building D on Thursdays. I usually remember this, but today I guess my mind was elsewhere, and I wasn’t paying attention. By the time I got to the wrong classroom, it was 2 minutes after the class begins, and that’s when it dawned on me that today is Thursday; I was in the wrong building. I would normally just laugh it off and walk to the right building, but this particular professor hates when people walk in late. He talked about it for 20 minutes on last Thursday, so I knew that if I did walk in five or ten minutes late, he wouldn’t be happy. I decided it’d be best to just not go.
The part that sucks is I had every intention of going (even though, in the back of my mind, I didn’t exactly want to). Who really ever WANTS to go to class though? I convinced myself that it was my fault because I subconsciously didn’t want to go, so I must have subconsciously gone to the wrong building, right? No, not right. That is my mind playing tricks on me; my oversensitive conscience; my history of being blamed for happenings that I did not cause. I’m just used to feeling like every little thing that goes wrong is my fault; that is what I’ve been taught ever since I was young. Ever since I was too young to know that it’s wrong.
In this song, Save Your Heart, the lyrics opened so many feelings I’ve let myself block out. I went back outside and tried to walk it off; I tried to let the crazily cold winter air invigorate my senses and make me feel better. Walking usually does make me feel better. The air only made me feel cold though. The wind was so bitter that it hurt as it hit my face. I went back inside and tried to talk myself out of freaking out, but it didn’t work [it usually does]. So I went over to Starbucks and got a chai tea, found somewhere to sit and began writing. Now I’m feeling better; my heart is beating normally; and I’m no longer having trouble breathing.
There’s still so much more that I want to say though. I feel like all of this is word vomit, and like real vomit, it needs to come out for me to feel better. I just don’t know what to say next or where to start.
