CLICK TO ENLARGE.
This morning I did not want to get out of bed. At all. But, I did, and I made myself look somewhat presentable [put clothes on; glasses; eyeliner] and headed downtown for my first class of the day. Along the drive, my heart started feeling like someone was sitting on it, and I was breathing weird and got all worked up. This has been happening often lately. I wish it would stop because it scares me so bad, especially when I’m driving, of all things.
So, I did what I always do; I called my mom. Just talking to her calms me down until the uncomfortable anxiety feelings pass, but she couldn’t stay on the phone this time (like she usually does) because she had to go into court [she's a court recorder]. So, after I got to the parking lot and found an open spot and parked, I turned to the second thing I always do when anxiety comes out of nowhere: my Ipod. I clicked on ‘shuffle’ a few times until it came to a song that just felt right, and then I got out of my car and started walking towards campus. The song I chose to listen to was ‘Save Your Heart’ by Mayday Parade. Great song; not so great choice. As I walked, I paid more attention to the lyrics than I did anything else, and they ‘opened wounds’ so to speak, or brought forth the feelings that I’ve forced to the very back of my mind & heart for the sake of my sanity & attempt to regain stability just to make it through this semester. The funny thing [well, it really isn't funny] is that I have still yet to get in the ‘school mode’ mindset because of everything else going on lately. My effort this semester has been undeniably minimal, and the fact that it’s winter does not help at all.
The lyrics to the song struck me in such a way, unlike any other time I’ve listened to it. Before I could realize, I was walking up the stairs in the wrong building. The class that I was going to meets in Building E on Tuesdays and Building D on Thursdays. I usually remember this, but today I guess my mind was elsewhere, and I wasn’t paying attention. By the time I got to the wrong classroom, it was 2 minutes after the class begins, and that’s when it dawned on me that today is Thursday; I was in the wrong building. I would normally just laugh it off and walk to the right building, but this particular professor hates when people walk in late. He talked about it for 20 minutes on last Thursday, so I knew that if I did walk in five or ten minutes late, he wouldn’t be happy. I decided it’d be best to just not go.
The part that sucks is I had every intention of going (even though, in the back of my mind, I didn’t exactly want to). Who really ever WANTS to go to class though? I convinced myself that it was my fault because I subconsciously didn’t want to go, so I must have subconsciously gone to the wrong building, right? No, not right. That is my mind playing tricks on me; my oversensitive conscience; my history of being blamed for happenings that I did not cause. I’m just used to feeling like every little thing that goes wrong is my fault; that is what I’ve been taught ever since I was young. Ever since I was too young to know that it’s wrong.
In this song, Save Your Heart, the lyrics opened so many feelings I’ve let myself block out. I went back outside and tried to walk it off; I tried to let the crazily cold winter air invigorate my senses and make me feel better. Walking usually does make me feel better. The air only made me feel cold though. The wind was so bitter that it hurt as it hit my face. I went back inside and tried to talk myself out of freaking out, but it didn’t work [it usually does]. So I went over to Starbucks and got a chai tea, found somewhere to sit and began writing. Now I’m feeling better; my heart is beating normally; and I’m no longer having trouble breathing.
There’s still so much more that I want to say though. I feel like all of this is word vomit, and like real vomit, it needs to come out for me to feel better. I just don’t know what to say next or where to start.
Okay, so I have had the remainder of today to cool off and stop freaking out about the random overabundance of snow that fell from the sky last night. Now I’m starting to think logically about my plan and how if I stick it out just one more year, I will be finished with school, no complications. Just one more year. There are upsides to waiting and there are downsides. The upsides, however, are more clear to me now that I am really thinking about it.
If I do go through with leaving as soon as I can, then I will miss out on very special events like helping/watching my best friend’s first baby’s first year and helping/watching my little brother graduate from high school. I will also miss out on living with Angie for our 4th & final year here at GV. She is thee best roommate, hands down, that anyone could ever ask for. I can’t just up & leave her! That’d be awfully rude. Staci and Angie (my best friends) and Scott (my little brother) are so important to me. To up and leave on account of my true hate for winter seems a bit extreme. Well, of course it’s extreme. That’s how I always do/think. There’s never a happy medium.
However, I need to consider how beneficial it would be, realistically, for me to leave asap, or to hold out one more year and just finish school here. I’ve made it three years and complained my way through each winter thus far. What’s one more? It should be easier by now. I already signed the lease for my apartment next year. There’s just so many little details and big money concerns, that I don’t think my dream plan of just leaving asap would be all that smart. The money isn’t the issue though, it’s the people I’ll be leaving behind if I do go. And for that reason, now that I’ve calmed myself down & really thought it over, I will grin and bare one more dreadful winter because my brother & my best friends mean more to me than anything, and the stupid snow & bitter coldness is not going to change that! In fact, nothing can/will ever change that.<3
I am so sick of following the quintessential life plan. Graduate from high school, go to college, blah blah blah. I’ve never been 100% content w/ following the ‘rulebook’ of life, & yet I continue to, but why? I’m not happy. I think this is me officially reaching my breaking point. I need something more, new, exciting, adventurous, & to forget the mold that society expects us all to fit into. I want to prove that I don’t need it to succeed. None of us do.
I know what would make me happy: To live by a body of water & beach, where snow is unheard of & I could walk to everywhere I need to be. I want to write for a living, and make a difference in as many lives as I possibly can, and live simply. Very simply. I don’t need a mansion to be happy, or a fancy car. Heck, I don’t even like driving. All I need is the sun shining, warm weather, a pen & paper, & people who love me. And music, of course, because I couldn’t get by without it. I just don’t want to follow the rules anymore. I really don’t, & I’m so sick of pretending to be okay with it.
I don’t want to quit school, but I do feel like a break would be nice. A semester or two. Just to focus on me and where I want to be and where would be the best to go as far as finishing school in a place where I will be happy to do so. Where I am now, I wake up and look out my window at all of this snow, & I just want to close my eyes and go back to bed. I literally dread going outside in this weather. I hate the bitter coldness; driving; having to bundle up ridiculously; having skin gone dry the second I step outside; the greyness all around me. I hate it all so much. I just don’t belong here, to put it simply.
*No Lies, Just Love by Bright Eyes West Coast Friendship by Owl City
You’re nothing short of everything by Too Sorry for Apologies
*Keep This Dream Alive by Phone Calls From Home
& of course, the insane amount of snow today that made me break.
& Sam & Annie Persons, who went against the ‘norm’ & did what they wanted to do. I admire their bravery so much, and I aspire to do the same. Thanks you guys
I’d just like to apologize for the lack of blogging these past few days. A huge unexpected family emergency came up, and it is taking all of my effort and focus and care to deal with that. I wish I could share more, but it isn’t something that I can publicize, unfortunately. Yet. Maybe one day, I will be able to. Actually yes, I will be able to, because I already added it to my ongoing memoir. I have a feeling that this is going to be a huge part of the story once it is all over & done with. I hope the end is more than just the end of the situation. I hope it is the end of something bigger, and also the end of my memoir. I imagine it would be thee perfect ending. I can only hope and pray for now, though. Please feel free to hope and pray with me!
Thank you for reading, and have a spectacular day!
x0.Brittney [the Bucamofi!]
Yesterday was so chaotic that I forgot to blog! So, I’ll make up for it right now by writing a brief summary of how my day went. Well, I started classes at 10am and finished at 3, which was super nice, but then I had to buy all of my textbooks. They actually weren’t as expensive as I thought they were going to be, so that was really good! Then I took my roommate to work, and the rest of the day, I tried to organize all of my homework [yes, already] and I got so frustrated and overwhelmed. I took an apple & tea break, and ended up just working out and then going to bed. I decided that I’d wake up extra early [today] to finish what I hadn’t. I find that I work a lot better bright & early in the morning, rather than late at night when I’m entirely exhausted.
That’s about as brief as I get! haha but yes, it was an alright day. Anxiety seemed to follow me as if it were my shadow, but I tried my best to shrug it off and be in the moment. I think I did pretty well.
x0.Brittney [the Bucamofi!]
I almost forgot to blog today! It was an incredibly long day once again, but my last one of the week! Tomorrow & Thursday I only have two classes, and then Friday only one [and it's my astronomy lab, which I'm totally stoked about haha]. In my Adventure Tourism class, which I happen to have with my roommate, we get to go snowshoeing, rock climbing, kayaking, scuba diving, & rope swinging. Holy outrageous! This is going to be one fun semester.
Today was troublesome as far as body image goes. I kind of avoided my reflection for that reason, but I tried really hard to talk myself out of it and make smart, healthy decisions [which I did!] instead of irrational ones. I’m really proud of myself for getting through it and not letting it get the best of me. This is progress! I am very happy w/ that. Progress feels like a million bucks & who wouldn’t want that?!
I got a killer workout in, and just had a midnight snack of raw asparagus [I know, I'm a weird one]. Now I’m about to head to bed! Gotta be up early tomorrow again, but good news: I’m finished w/ classes at 3pm instead of 9! Hurray!
I hope everyone else had a wonderful day.
x0.Brittney [the Bucamofi!]